The steady drizzle and occasional lightning strike outside my window are inspiring my contemplative heart tonight. I sit at my coffee table, cross legged, covered in a blanket, windows opened, and quiet music softly playing from my iPhone. The apartment is dimly lit, the TV is off, and I am in no way spending my Friday night as a younger me would have envisioned 18 year-old me would. My inner party animal is disappointed in me -- surely I could have found something to do tonight. There is another part of me, a part I haven't yet found the right name for, that is ok with my quiet night.
The past week roommate-less has given me plenty of time to reflect on the last year. When asked about my first year at BYU, I don't lie. It was hard in every aspect of life. I moved, didn't find friends until halfway through my second semester, felt like I lost both of my best friends (one to a mission and the other to marriage), and, of course, school was killer. I spent a lot of time alone. I spent a lot of time praying, pleading, and wondering what I was doing wrong. I think that's when the quiet nameless part of me showed up.
That part of me became a weekend regular at the Provo temple parking lot, both praying and finding peace simply by being in close proximity to the House of the Lord. That part of me learned that I am actually good company and being alone with myself isn't as horrible as expected. And most importantly, that part of me learned that when it seems that everyone has walked out and nothing is going according to plan, I always have a friend in my Savior.
That part of me has learned that patience is not merely quietly waiting for things to work out, but rather putting things in the hands of the Lord and having the faith to expect that they will work out. That part of me has kept my sanity through what may be the hardest twelve months of my life.
That part of me is here now, not wishing that I was out with friends, or on a date, or on some crazy adventure, but rather filled with gratitude that I am where I need to be. I'm still looking for the reasons, and some are becoming clearer as time goes on, but I have found peace despite the unknown.
That part of me has learned that some prayers are answered immediately, others in time, and others in ways I will never see or acknowledge. That part of me is finally at peace with what has felt like a constant uphill battle. That part of me has learned that life is an uphill battle, and rather than complaining all the way up, it is better to stop and look at how far I have come, admire the beauty around when I can't see the view, and to keep going with a grateful heart and a hopeful soul.
This part of me is growing every day, and though I don't yet have a name for her, I hope one day she will become all of me- that I, in every way, will find peace in daily tribulation, patience in affliction, and hope in despair. I get the feeling that she will become as much of me as I will allow.
