the parable of the shower

ok, friends. let me tell you a story. this is, in fact, a true story that happened to yours truly tonight. it goes like this.

and it came to pass that i was taking a shower. (i know you're probably all sick of these shower parables because they're just so popular, but bear with me. or bare with me?)

....


(see what i did there? nah? ok, moving on.)

ANYWAYS

i was taking a shower, listening to music, lathering my shampoo, basically having a wonderful shower.

and then i did something really dumb.

i plugged my ears. why? idk why. i just did. do you wanna know what i heard?

THE MOST ANNOYING SOUND IN THE WORLD.

all of a sudden all i could hear is the pounding of water against my skull. it was seriously the worst. (superlatives are my bff.)

then i did the logical thing to do. i removed my fingers from my ears. (i'm no dummy)

the beautiful sound of music drifted back to my eardrums and suddenly my heart was happy.

almost.

if only that dumb water hadn't still been going. after having it roaring in my eardrums, the sound of the water was all i could think of.

so yeah...

finished lathering, rinsed, repeated.

conditioned.

got dressed.

had epiphany.

(this is where we get to the part about the parable. i'm about to get so cliche right now.)

life is like my shower.

no really, it is.

sometimes we have moments when all we can hear is the water. why? because we haven't let the spirit into our lives. we are focusing so much on the negative aspects of life. all we can see is our trials, struggles, and the things we lack.

inviting the spirit into our lives (removing our hands from our ears) allows us to see the beautiful parts of life. (the music i was listening to from my phone.) the negative is definitely still there (it always will be) but we now have the opportunity to choose what we focus on.

how many times do we choose to focus on the negative instead of the positive?

i'm a huge believer in the idea that we choose happiness. i know that no matter what we are going through or dealing with, happiness can be just a choice away. there is always something to be happy about, no matter how small or cliche it may be. initially, a choice to be happy may seem hard but it is the best thing we can do for ourselves.

a loving heavenly father didn't put us on the earth to focus on the water coming out of the shower head. he put us here to enjoy the music.

in this christmas season, it should be easy to look around and see the beauty around us. the snow covered mountains, the brightly lit trees and houses, and the light that radiates from the people around us as we sacrifice for the benefit of others. i know that the holidays can often be hard for people because of old memories and past experiences, but there is beauty everywhere, waiting to be appreciated.

and that my friends, is the parable of the shower.

a scatter-brained summary of the last ten days of my life and also some stuff about faith and prayer

This post is that person in sacrament meeting who gets up and tells the entire congregation that they aren't sure what they are going to say, but they felt like they needed to get up and say something.

{I'm not judging. I am usually that person.}

So here we are, lovely friends who clicked on the link and are now reading this currently directionless blog post. Let's see where we can go with this "nothingness."

In the last 10 days, I have found that life is very very funny. {I knew this before, but the last 10 days have really made it apparent.} Maybe it's just because I'm a girl and my emotions can change in a matter of seconds, but I do think that figurative curveballs are thrown into our paths to help us learn to just chill sometimes.

So Here's my life's story, I guess. {or just the last ten days of it}

Elder Russon's hump day was last Thursday. {Halleleujah!} It was a good day, it really was. I can't believe he is halfway done with this adventure and that he'll be back in America next year at this time. It's so exciting and scary and the future is so unknown, but in an exciting way. {I digress....} Anyway, Thursday night I was just really full of gratitude as I was walking to my car after my evening class, and I just felt the need to drive up to the Provo temple and sit in my car and pour out my guts to my Heavenly Father and just let him know how thankful I am that everything that has happened in the last year has happened and how grateful I am for every aspect of life. So I did, and saw the most beautiful moon rise behind the temple with the majestic silhouette of Squaw Peak in the background. I don't know why, but I always take beautiful landscapes as a gesture of love from my Heavenly Father, and it was a really happy moment for me. I was feeling confident and peaceful and very loved and grateful.

Fast forward to Saturday.

I won't bore you with all of the monotonous details, but there was an unfortunate series of events that led to what was perhaps the most massive meltdown of the last 12 months. I once again found myself in my usual parking spot in front of the Provo Temple. {It has become my "Holy Place," to reference the mutual theme from my junior year of high school.} I found myself praying and crying and telling my Heavenly Father that I just wanted my best friend back again to tell me that everything was going to be ok, to give me perspective like only he could. After I had my little rant, I calmed down and just sat for a few minutes until I remembered that I have developed a much better relationship with a new best friend since Ethan left. A best friend who truly does understand absolutely everything I have been through -- someone who has been the only person in my life during the last year to be with me no matter what the circumstances -- the Savior. Peace and perspective filled me. I remembered that I really am truly grateful that Ethan is in Ecuador teaching people and bringing people unto the Savior -- someone who has meant so much to me. I have missed him like crazy, but his mission is certainly not about me and I guess it's not about him either. It's about the people he's teaching and the Savior.

So that 72 hour total change of heart/return to normal, non-psychotic Emily happened.

There's also been this terrible sense of "i'm doing nothing with my life except gaining an education while all of my friends see the world and do cool things and college is obviously inferior thinking", which I know is completely wrong, but hey, Provo isn't Europe or Asia or South America, ok? {I know I have lots of problems. I've accepted this, you should too. Let's move on.} I've tried to make volunteer teaching abroad and study abroads work. I have explored every program and somehow, things have always fallen through.

On Wednesday, there was a special presentation in my journalism class given about an opportunity to be part of a special program, replacing part of the traditional BYU journalism program sequence. A blog post about all of this is forthcoming, so I won't write all about that yet, but it's exactly what I have been looking for. I did research and planning on Thursday and finalized everything on Friday. I'm truly amazed at how easily and quickly everything has come together. This is an opportunity that will really push me out of my comfort zone and I really believe that if I hadn't first considered moving to a foreign country and teaching children who don't speak my language, I wouldn't have even given this program a second thought. I'm amazed at how the Lord has been preparing me to take advantage of this opportunity. It has, at times, been disappointing to watch so many plans fall through {and if you know me, I am a planner}, but in the long run this will be better. It will cut my time at BYU down by a semester and open up opportunities down the road.

So I guess my "theme" of this post is that Heavenly Father answers prayers. Through Him and His Son, Jesus Christ, we find can find answers and peace. Our perspectives can be renewed and plans can fall into place the way they are supposed to, if we will just have faith and patience. Trials strengthen us, change our perspectives, and allow us to draw closer to him. The struggle is always worth the triumph.

My Journey to Find the Meaning of Patience and the Nature of Happiness

Almost an entire year ago, my best friend left me to serve the Lord in Ecuador. It was a rough few months for me, both the time leading up to his departure date and many days after. Ethan had been there for me every single day of the past three years, and had been in my life almost as frequently for two before that. I had forgotten how to live without him.

I did a lot to prepare myself for him leaving. My initial instinct was to emotionally remove myself from him – break up maybe? In fact, we even talked about this, decided to make it a matter of prayer and fasting, and both got the same answer: This was going to be hard, but we weren’t supposed to break up. I knew our answer was what the Lord wanted from us, but I also knew that meant that it was going to be a rough two years for me – two years that I knew were going to be an ongoing quest for patience and happiness.

Everyone will give you their opinion when you send a missionary out: Break up, stay together, wait for him, date around. Everyone has their own ideas, but no one tells you how to be happy or how to find patience.

I remember the first time I really felt like I had found happiness and was moving on and living life without him. This is not to say that I didn’t feel happiness before this --  those moments were frequent – but there is a deep and resounding sense of contentment and peace that I had been lacking, a joy in one’s life that I hadn’t refound yet.

It was a January afternoon (an entire 3 months after he had left) and I remember walking home, looking at the snow covered Earth, the students passing me on both sides and feeling overwhelming love and gratitude for the people around me, the beautiful Earth, and the opportunity to attend such a wonderful university. It was then that I knew that happiness was found in the little things.

In April’s general conference, Elder David A. Bednar shared a message of happiness and endurance. A single line stood out to me then, and again tonight when I found it on my twitter feed.

“Sometimes we may mistakenly believe that happiness is the absence of a load.”

How right is he? If that were the case, none of us would ever feel happiness. There is always some load to be carried, stress to be felt, and tears to cry.  I’m glad I figured this out early on in Ethan’s mission because it has completely changed the months that have followed this epiphany.

Life continued and I was consistently happy, however I was also consistently anxious. My heart ached for the moment when the rest of our story would unfold, whichever way it went.

I soon became obsessed with understanding the concept of patience. I searched the scriptures and every other church document I own to help me understand. The best definition I found is in Preach My Gospel (Ironic, eh?)

“Patience is the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering without becoming angry, frustrated, or anxious.”

That quote hit me like a ton of bricks. I had felt all of those things and some of them constantly. I knew I didn’t want life to be like that for the next two years – the Lord didn’t want me to live that way and I didn’t want to regret this time of my life.

It was soon after I began thinking about all of this that I realized that I needed to do two things to survive this trial (and really, any others that follow.) I needed to find a purpose for this trial and a purpose in this trial.

I quickly began brainstorming reasons for this trial. 1)It’s simply circumstancial. Ethan needs to fulfill his priesthood responsibility of preaching the gospel and changing other’s lives. 2) I needed time to figure myself out. 3) This is a huge learning/growing experience for the both of us.

I finally decided that it is a pretty good mixture of all of these things.

Finding purpose in the trial was the harder part of the equation. Initially, I wanted to join this wonderful wave of missionaries going forth into the world but through lots of prayer accepted the fact that Heavenly Father had other plans for me. I then tried to form various other plans, but nothing ended up working out. Even though it sounds ridiculous now, I felt I was achieving nothing being at school.  There were months of months of prayer involved, but I now know that there is a purpose for me being here at BYU, whether it be to serve in my ward, learn from my roommates, or gain an education (there’s an idea).

And suddenly, after finding purpose, I found patience and peace. I now understand that patience is accepting my Heavenly Father’s timing and trusting that he will fulfill his promises and guide my life in the direction that He would have it go.

I’ve found gratitude is the key to both happiness and patience. I miss Ethan more than anything, but I’m grateful for every day, I’m grateful for the things I’ve learned, the people I’ve met, and most importantly, I’m grateful for the priceless growth I’ve experienced since he’s left. I’m a firm believer that “sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven,” and that sometimes sacrifices are really investments. (Gordon B. Hinckley said something similar.)

I’m grateful that I know that happiness is not the absence of struggle and patience is not simply waiting for something to happen. I know I’ll face harder things in the future and that understanding will be vital.

I’m grateful for my Savior, who has more than once been my only friend and counselor through this. I have found so much strength in His atonement and have grown closer to him during this trial.

And most importantly, I’m grateful life is hard. I’m grateful I can grow and learn, and I’m grateful I have someone to miss as much as I do.

the quiet, nameless part of me

The steady drizzle and occasional lightning strike outside my window are inspiring my contemplative heart tonight. I sit at my coffee table, cross legged, covered in a blanket, windows opened, and quiet music softly playing from my iPhone. The apartment is dimly lit, the TV is off, and I am in no way spending my Friday night as a younger me would have envisioned 18 year-old me would. My inner party animal is disappointed in me -- surely I could have found something to do tonight. There is another part of me, a part I haven't yet found the right name for, that is ok with my quiet night.

The past week roommate-less has given me plenty of time to reflect on the last year. When asked about my first year at BYU, I don't lie. It was hard in every aspect of life. I moved, didn't find friends until halfway through my second semester, felt like I lost both of my best friends (one to a mission and the other to marriage), and, of course, school was killer. I spent a lot of time alone. I spent a lot of time praying, pleading, and wondering what I was doing wrong. I think that's when the quiet nameless part of me showed up.

That part of me became a weekend regular at the Provo temple parking lot, both praying and finding peace simply by being in close proximity to the House of the Lord. That part of me learned that I am actually good company and being alone with myself isn't as horrible as expected. And most importantly, that part of me learned that when it seems that everyone has walked out and nothing is going according to plan, I always have a friend in my Savior.

That part of me has learned that patience is not merely quietly waiting for things to work out, but rather putting things in the hands of the Lord and having the faith to expect that they will work out. That part of me has kept my sanity through what may be the hardest twelve months of my life.
That part of me is here now, not wishing that I was out with friends, or on a date, or on some crazy adventure, but rather filled with gratitude that I  am where I need to be. I'm still looking for the reasons, and some are becoming clearer as time goes on, but I have found peace despite the unknown.

That part of me has learned that some prayers are answered immediately, others in time, and others in ways I will never see or acknowledge. That part of me is finally at peace with what has felt like a constant uphill battle. That part of me has learned that life is an uphill battle, and rather than complaining all the way up, it is better to stop and look at how far I have come, admire the beauty around when I can't see the view, and to keep going with a grateful heart and a hopeful soul.

This part of me is growing every day, and though I don't yet have a name for her, I hope one day she will become all of me- that I, in every way, will find peace in daily tribulation, patience in affliction, and hope in despair. I get the feeling that she will become as much of me as I will allow.

Because of Him

Tomorrow I will finish the last of my final exams. I honestly can not believe that my first year at BYU is over. This year has definitely not been anything like I expected, however it has definitely been what I needed.

The most important thing I have learned through my time at BYU is not something that can be taught in a lecture hall or studied in a textbook, though those things can strengthen and edify my testimony. This past year has strengthened and solidified my testimony of Jesus Christ by leaps and bounds. He is my friend, my brother, and my Savior. I am who I am because of him.

Because of Him I have what I need and not what I want. I truly believe that my plan for me will never  even stand up next to the plan that my Father in Heaven has for me. This truth has been manifest to me many many times over the last year. Things never turned out like I had imagined or hoped for, but they always turned out the way they needed to, and through his example, I have found the faith to accept things as they are.

Because of Him, I have learned unconditional love. I have found strength in forgiveness and power in the small glimpses I have had that have allowed me to see others the way He sees them.  I know he loves me, despite the pain and suffering I have caused him. I know he loves me because he suffered for me.

Because of Him, I have found the strength to get through every trial, every weakness, every affliction, and most importantly every day. I have always known that the atonement offers a chance to right my wrongs and to cleanse me of sin and iniquity, which is beautiful and completely necessary to my eternal progression and my Earthly happiness. It has only been in the last year that I have come to really rely on my Savior to help carry my emotional burdens. I know he has felt my pain, wiped my tears, and given me strength through example and by tender mercies that cross my path every day. He gives me the strength to try, the power to get back up, and the motivation to try again.

Because of Him, I am never alone. I have felt his comfort, his guidance, and his love during the most lonely of times, when he was my only friend.

Because of Him, I can have an eternal family. I can't imagine an eternal existence without all of those whom I love. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I will have my family for eternity, both the family I already have and the one that is yet to come. I greatly look forward to the day that I will begin my own eternal family and I know it is Because of Him.

Because of Him, I know the future is bright. No matter what the world will throw my way or how dangerous and scary things become, there are better things to come. There is light at the end of the tunnel, exaltation after death, and forgiveness after repentance. Darkness will always be overcome by light and once things are dark, they can never be darker. The Light of Christ is infinite and eternal.

Because of Him, I have the courage to believe in myself. I have faith that I am capable of anything my Father in Heaven asks me to do because I have access to the enabling power of the atonement. As scary and unattainable as things sometimes seem, I know that I can accomplish anything because of my Savior.

I know that He lives. I know that He loves me. I am so grateful for his sacrifice on my behalf.

The Three Types of Bad Leaders Who Changed My Life

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have always been told that I am part of the greatest generation to live upon the Earth. I have been taught that God reserved his strongest souls to come to Earth at a time when the battle against evil is more critical than ever. I have been taught that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and that I alone would have been enough reason for the Savior's atonement. I know that my soul is great in the eyes of God.

These valuable lessons of self-worth have helped me stay afloat amid the media's degrading portrayal of women. They have taught me that I don't need to be a cover model to be beautiful or a powerful CEO to be full of worth. They have helped me realize my potential and given me strength through life's toughest battles.

The Church puts great faith in their youth. Last year's missionary age change from 19 to 18 is significant for a few reasons. First, the world accepts reckless, party-like behavior from 18 year-olds. They make excuses for their poor behavior with weak and worldly justifications like "YOLO". The Church expects a little more from its 18 year-olds. A structured schedule, limited amounts of social media, and teaching and baptizing people around the world demand much from our young adults. Missionary work is taxing and expecting it out of young people effectively does two things – gives them an ideal setting for “growing up” and empowers them through the knowledge that their Heavenly Father has faith that they are capable of such important tasks.

I have watched my peers respond to the call for missionaries. I have seen young men and women, my age, change their lives to be able to serve the Lord. I have watched their confidence grow as they have taught and baptized people from around the world. Knowing they are trusted has changed their lives and the lives around them.

Between the ages of 12 and 18, I found three kinds of leaders who changed my life. They were not perfect and it was not because they were a great example that they affected me so deeply. I was able to learn from their mistakes.

1)The first kind of leader was one who didn't allow room for mistakes. She didn't vocalize her expectations and when you didn't achieve those expectations (big surprise) you were punished. She yelled at you before you made a mistake and disciplined through verbal abuse and public humiliation – two forms of punishment that don't result in a learning experience. She didn't give you a choice between right and wrong, she simply forced you to choose the right.

What I learned from her: I need the chance to decide for myself whether or not I am going to choose the right. That way, I will take responsibility for my choices and be much more willing to accept the consequences. First, however, I need to know what is expected of me so that I am able to prepare to meet those expectations.

How this relates to the gospel: We have all been given agency. Every day we are able to learn from our mistakes. Our Heavenly Father has made his expectations clear – we have been blessed with a set of standards to live by. We are free to choose whether or not we follow them, however, the consequences of those choices are not in our power. Agency was important enough to cause a great war in heaven-- it should not be taken from any of God's children.

2)The second leader was very different. She allowed me to take on the responsibilities of an adult and assigned me small jobs that none of the adults wanted to take care of. It built up rather quickly and it became apparent that I was picking up a significant amount of slack from the rest of the group. I was happy to take on the jobs, and completed each to the best of my ability. Everything was going great.

The problem, however, arose when I took action during a situation that she was unaware of. I didn't make any huge decisions or go behind her back in any way, I simply knew more of the background of the situation and dealt with it in a way I felt was right.

When I took initiative as an adult, she shut me down. She told me that I had betrayed her trust and began to treat me as a child. To this day, I feel justified in my actions and I don't feel any remorse for what I did because I don't feel it was wrong. I am glad I was there to take care of the situation at hand.

What I learned: If you are going to give a teenager the responsibility of an adult, don't freak out when they take adult initiative and do things they feel right about. It sends mixed signals and causes the teenager to question themselves and their ability to discern right from wrong.

I also learned that adults are very susceptible to pride. Egos can get in the way of compassion, embarrassment can cause ill-treatment of others, and a fear of being wrong prohibits apology.

How this relates to the gospel: With great privilege comes great responsibility, but I think the opposite applies. Great responsibility warrants privileges to take adult initiative and act as you see fit. Our Heavenly Father gives us what we can handle, and with the great responsibilities, we gain great privileges. The responsibility of keeping baptismal covenants is accompanied by the privilege of always having the spirit to be with us. Keeping the commandments always warrants blessings. He never expects a responsibility without a privilege.

3)The third type of leader I had was one who loved, encouraged, and served as a great motivator. Someone who told you how strong, talented, and capable you were of accomplishing your dreams. They had your trust and you had theirs-- until the moment of decision came. They made you second guess your decision, not necessarily in a healthy “are you sure” kind of way, but in a way that they give you all of those reasons that aren't actually reasons, such as “but you're so young” or “are you sure you have prayed about this enough?” It is these moments of doubt that can completely obliterate a young adult's confidence.

What I learned: If you say you trust me and act like you trust me, then I need you to trust me when the important moments come along. It is through you that I have developed my confidence. It is because I am doing the things you have taught me to do that these opportunities have presented themselves. When you question me, it forces me to doubt my foundation and worries me because I feel like I am doing the right thing. I am praying, reading my scriptures, and allowing myself to be worthy of the spirit. Decisions are hard enough without those closest to me second guessing my carefully considered and spiritually inspired decisions.

How this relates to the gospel: We are all entitled to personal revelation. Children progress from primary to Mutual, and then they become adults. At any age, an individual is entitled to receive guidance from their Heavenly Father. No one is perfect at receiving revelation but if they are remaining worthy of the spirit they are in a good place to receive it. God has a plan for each of us and no one has a right to tell another person what that plan is. The quiet whispers of the Holy Ghost come to each person individually. If I am making a decision that is in line with the principles of the gospel and I have carefully prayed and fasted about that decision, then you have no right to make me question it.

This is my plea:

To those who work closely with and have great influence upon youth and young adults, be mindful of your actions. Your calling is to lead, not drag, to love, not condemn, and to serve with compassion, and not ambition. The youth are watching you and learning from you, whether for good or for bad. It is your example that shapes the next generation.

Hold them responsible for their actions, but treat them with respect. They are more capable than you think they are. God has entrusted his greatest generation in your hands and you can either help them or hinder them. Love them, serve them, and most importantly, trust them.

In one situation, I found great strength in a leader who didn't know me, yet assumed the best of me. She defended me in a situation where she herself could have been ridiculed or punished. She was willing to put herself on the line in order to let me know that she thought that I (and my actions) were worth defending. She touched me deeply and gave me a strong example of the kind of leader I would like to be.

I want to make it clear that I had many leaders throughout my mutual years, most of whom were amazing men and women who had a powerful positive influence on me and whose examples have helped shaped me during this critical time in my life. I am grateful for their hand in my life and that my Heavenly Father placed them into my path.

It is my hope that young adults will be able to enter this scary world with confidence instilled in them by leaders who have shown them love, compassion, and trust. There is nothing more empowering than being trusted by someone you admire and respect. In a world where the adversary places so much emphasis on discouraging youth, what they need most is empowerment. The Lord can then work mighty miracles through them and change the world, one soul at a time.

The world is changing, the Church is changing, and the youth are changing. Trust them like their Father in Heaven trusts them.

"The Girl"

If you were to piece my Facebook, Instagram, and blog together, you'd have a journal of my life. (Kind of. It would be lacking lots of feelings, but it's at least a timeline of sorts.) I don't have a lot of words today, but I wanted to post this song because I have listened to it about a thousand times on repeat. And I want to remember it forever.

It's my favorite right now.

Disclaimer: This video is a little bizarre. Not Imagine Dragons level bizarre, but still pretty weird.

Emily