The Three Types of Bad Leaders Who Changed My Life

As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have always been told that I am part of the greatest generation to live upon the Earth. I have been taught that God reserved his strongest souls to come to Earth at a time when the battle against evil is more critical than ever. I have been taught that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and that I alone would have been enough reason for the Savior's atonement. I know that my soul is great in the eyes of God.

These valuable lessons of self-worth have helped me stay afloat amid the media's degrading portrayal of women. They have taught me that I don't need to be a cover model to be beautiful or a powerful CEO to be full of worth. They have helped me realize my potential and given me strength through life's toughest battles.

The Church puts great faith in their youth. Last year's missionary age change from 19 to 18 is significant for a few reasons. First, the world accepts reckless, party-like behavior from 18 year-olds. They make excuses for their poor behavior with weak and worldly justifications like "YOLO". The Church expects a little more from its 18 year-olds. A structured schedule, limited amounts of social media, and teaching and baptizing people around the world demand much from our young adults. Missionary work is taxing and expecting it out of young people effectively does two things – gives them an ideal setting for “growing up” and empowers them through the knowledge that their Heavenly Father has faith that they are capable of such important tasks.

I have watched my peers respond to the call for missionaries. I have seen young men and women, my age, change their lives to be able to serve the Lord. I have watched their confidence grow as they have taught and baptized people from around the world. Knowing they are trusted has changed their lives and the lives around them.

Between the ages of 12 and 18, I found three kinds of leaders who changed my life. They were not perfect and it was not because they were a great example that they affected me so deeply. I was able to learn from their mistakes.

1)The first kind of leader was one who didn't allow room for mistakes. She didn't vocalize her expectations and when you didn't achieve those expectations (big surprise) you were punished. She yelled at you before you made a mistake and disciplined through verbal abuse and public humiliation – two forms of punishment that don't result in a learning experience. She didn't give you a choice between right and wrong, she simply forced you to choose the right.

What I learned from her: I need the chance to decide for myself whether or not I am going to choose the right. That way, I will take responsibility for my choices and be much more willing to accept the consequences. First, however, I need to know what is expected of me so that I am able to prepare to meet those expectations.

How this relates to the gospel: We have all been given agency. Every day we are able to learn from our mistakes. Our Heavenly Father has made his expectations clear – we have been blessed with a set of standards to live by. We are free to choose whether or not we follow them, however, the consequences of those choices are not in our power. Agency was important enough to cause a great war in heaven-- it should not be taken from any of God's children.

2)The second leader was very different. She allowed me to take on the responsibilities of an adult and assigned me small jobs that none of the adults wanted to take care of. It built up rather quickly and it became apparent that I was picking up a significant amount of slack from the rest of the group. I was happy to take on the jobs, and completed each to the best of my ability. Everything was going great.

The problem, however, arose when I took action during a situation that she was unaware of. I didn't make any huge decisions or go behind her back in any way, I simply knew more of the background of the situation and dealt with it in a way I felt was right.

When I took initiative as an adult, she shut me down. She told me that I had betrayed her trust and began to treat me as a child. To this day, I feel justified in my actions and I don't feel any remorse for what I did because I don't feel it was wrong. I am glad I was there to take care of the situation at hand.

What I learned: If you are going to give a teenager the responsibility of an adult, don't freak out when they take adult initiative and do things they feel right about. It sends mixed signals and causes the teenager to question themselves and their ability to discern right from wrong.

I also learned that adults are very susceptible to pride. Egos can get in the way of compassion, embarrassment can cause ill-treatment of others, and a fear of being wrong prohibits apology.

How this relates to the gospel: With great privilege comes great responsibility, but I think the opposite applies. Great responsibility warrants privileges to take adult initiative and act as you see fit. Our Heavenly Father gives us what we can handle, and with the great responsibilities, we gain great privileges. The responsibility of keeping baptismal covenants is accompanied by the privilege of always having the spirit to be with us. Keeping the commandments always warrants blessings. He never expects a responsibility without a privilege.

3)The third type of leader I had was one who loved, encouraged, and served as a great motivator. Someone who told you how strong, talented, and capable you were of accomplishing your dreams. They had your trust and you had theirs-- until the moment of decision came. They made you second guess your decision, not necessarily in a healthy “are you sure” kind of way, but in a way that they give you all of those reasons that aren't actually reasons, such as “but you're so young” or “are you sure you have prayed about this enough?” It is these moments of doubt that can completely obliterate a young adult's confidence.

What I learned: If you say you trust me and act like you trust me, then I need you to trust me when the important moments come along. It is through you that I have developed my confidence. It is because I am doing the things you have taught me to do that these opportunities have presented themselves. When you question me, it forces me to doubt my foundation and worries me because I feel like I am doing the right thing. I am praying, reading my scriptures, and allowing myself to be worthy of the spirit. Decisions are hard enough without those closest to me second guessing my carefully considered and spiritually inspired decisions.

How this relates to the gospel: We are all entitled to personal revelation. Children progress from primary to Mutual, and then they become adults. At any age, an individual is entitled to receive guidance from their Heavenly Father. No one is perfect at receiving revelation but if they are remaining worthy of the spirit they are in a good place to receive it. God has a plan for each of us and no one has a right to tell another person what that plan is. The quiet whispers of the Holy Ghost come to each person individually. If I am making a decision that is in line with the principles of the gospel and I have carefully prayed and fasted about that decision, then you have no right to make me question it.

This is my plea:

To those who work closely with and have great influence upon youth and young adults, be mindful of your actions. Your calling is to lead, not drag, to love, not condemn, and to serve with compassion, and not ambition. The youth are watching you and learning from you, whether for good or for bad. It is your example that shapes the next generation.

Hold them responsible for their actions, but treat them with respect. They are more capable than you think they are. God has entrusted his greatest generation in your hands and you can either help them or hinder them. Love them, serve them, and most importantly, trust them.

In one situation, I found great strength in a leader who didn't know me, yet assumed the best of me. She defended me in a situation where she herself could have been ridiculed or punished. She was willing to put herself on the line in order to let me know that she thought that I (and my actions) were worth defending. She touched me deeply and gave me a strong example of the kind of leader I would like to be.

I want to make it clear that I had many leaders throughout my mutual years, most of whom were amazing men and women who had a powerful positive influence on me and whose examples have helped shaped me during this critical time in my life. I am grateful for their hand in my life and that my Heavenly Father placed them into my path.

It is my hope that young adults will be able to enter this scary world with confidence instilled in them by leaders who have shown them love, compassion, and trust. There is nothing more empowering than being trusted by someone you admire and respect. In a world where the adversary places so much emphasis on discouraging youth, what they need most is empowerment. The Lord can then work mighty miracles through them and change the world, one soul at a time.

The world is changing, the Church is changing, and the youth are changing. Trust them like their Father in Heaven trusts them.